Serenity Now!

All the televisions in this place – in the break rooms, the convenience store, the hallways, everywhere – are constantly tuned to Headline News. Headline News is kind of the television equivalent of going to the dentist for a filling and the dentist saying “it’s not that deep, we’re not going to really go near the nerve, do you want to try it without novocaine?” And then you stupidly say yes, and everything goes well for a couple minutes and you’re feeling pretty good about yourself and the dentist isn’t actually so OW! MOTHERFUCKER! Guess you were closer to the nerve than you thought, you fucking prick!

This is what watching Headline News is like. It is vaguely bothersome but not really unpleasant for a while, and then something twitches and you end up with a spike in your brain.

So every time I leave my little area to get a cup of coffee at the store I am assaulted by the insipid ravings of bubbleheaded anchors who, frankly, I would rather see in Playboy than on the news. Just now I saw the thing about the video of the Marine in Iraq supposedly throwing a puppy. The whole thing smacks of internet fakery. Now, for my money, I don’t know how many cute widdle beagle puppies there ARE in Iraq necessarily. I’m guessing it’s not many. And I’m also guessing that your average Marine getting shot at and blown up in Iraq doesn’t spend a whole lot of time making carefully-shot videos of ANY sort of interaction with puppies, much less picking one up and giving it a solid heave. I’m guessing they probably leave the puppies alone since it’s safe to assume that if you are a Marine in Iraq any puppies you encounter are some of the very few living things there not actively trying to kill you.

But still the douchebags on Headline News are talking about the video of the puppy-tossing. And then they go to I believe it was Lejeune for the Marine Reaction. Suffice it to say the Marine Reaction falls somewhere in the “Devastated” range. It’s a travesty. It’s an outrage. We’re going to court martial that son of a bitch within an inch of his life!

They talk to the commandant of the camp and he expresses his displeasure at this turn of events. Then comes the money quote:

“Every Marine is concerned about this.”

Every Marine? Every one of them? Really? REALLY?

Blowing up god knows how many puppies, that we’re fine with, but one guy pretends to be a Marine playing catch with a puppy – well, perhaps my usage of the phrase “playing catch with” doesn’t exactly express the transitive as well as it should – every Marine is concerned.

I hate the world.