Your Interesting Times Quizo Update

As we are all aware, my car went and blew itself up a couple weeks ago. This hasn't been as great a nuisance as you might think, since I have learned in the interim that without Chelsea playing every weekend, aside from work and school it seems I don't actually go anywhere. To get to our respective works and schools my father and I are sharing his car until a suitable, explosion-proof replacement for mine is located.

I was initially quite worried that without a car of my own my social life would take a huge hit and suffer greatly; the knowledge that my social life is apparently nonexistent is both sobering and relieving. Initially I thought a mistake had to have been made someplace, but when I went back and thought about it I realized that aside from the occasional excursion to the cinema or the casino (the latter of which is more like work anyway) I haven't left my house to go anyplace that wasn't the office, the Dark Horse, or Drexel in something like five months.

I was minorly distressed by this until I realized that I had chemistry homework to do, and the feeling passed.

The only trouble is that not having my own car means that on the weekends I have to ride back and forth to and from the shore with my dad. I'm certainly not complaining about this - I will never complain about being driven anywhere - but if you've never done it a car ride of any length with my father is something of an adventure. I thought about writing an amusing anecdote about what it's like, but I think instead I will just relate the conversations we have verbatim.

It is important to bear in mind three things: 1) I actually got a ride TO the shore on Friday night with a friend of mine, 2) I hurt my back pretty badly on Friday, and 3) all of these happened over a 90-minute ride last night and they are word-for-word transcriptions, I swear to God.

Oh, and ALL CAPS indicates shouting.

Seriously.

On geography -

Me: Kenny was asking on the way down here on Friday night how I survive this drive, what with it being dead straight and dead flat and pitch black and all.

Dad: Yes, well, New Jersey has THE MOST BORING SCENERY IN THE WORLD!

Me: What about Florida?

Dad: More boring than Florida.

Me: What about the desert?

Dad: No, the desert has a stark beauty that defies boredom.

Me: What?

Dad: A stark beauty.

Me: This isn't stark beauty?

Dad: No. This is verdant sameness.

On cuisine -

Dad: You know what the problem with being deaf is?

Me: Oh God.

Dad: If you're deaf you can't hear Sam Elliott's mustache.

Me: Er, yes.

Dad: You know, Sam Elliott? You can hear his mustache?

Me: (doing impersonation of Sam Elliott IBM commercial) "Peril masquerading as landscape!"

Dad: Yeah, that. Also, what's it called, "beef: it's what's for dinner." I guess that's better than "beef: it's slaughtered cow."

Me: Sam Elliott was also in Road House, the best worst movie ever.

Dad: Doesn't he kick Patrick Swayze's ass in that?

Me: No, they're friends.

Dad: They should get Sam Elliott to do that pork commercial too. You know, "pork, the other white meat." How the hell do you call pork white meat anyway?

Me: It's white... ish.

Dad: After you cook it!

Me: Well what the hell's the difference between red and white meat anyway?

Dad: It's some chemical... tannins! That's what it is! Red meat has more tannins.

Me: What?

Dad: Tannins.

Me: That's... that's the difference between red and white WINE, you idiot. Red WINE has tannins.

Dad: Just like... uh... red meat!

Me: You're making that up! Why can't you just admit you don't know something instead of making stupid shit up?

Dad: It could be tannins! You don't know!

(Ed. Note: it is not; the distinction between red and white meat is entirely arbitrary.)

ME: I KNOW IT'S NOT TANNINS!

Dad: YOU DON'T KNOW FOR SURE!

(pause)

Dad: They should get Sam Elliott to advertise other foods. (imitating Sam Elliott) "Rocky Mountain Oysters: it's not what you think."

Me: (laughing) OW! OW! It hurts when I laugh. Stop that. (laughing) OW!

Dad: "Headcheese: you don't want to know."

Me: (laughing) OW! STOP!

Dad: Oh, fine.

Me: (laughter abating) Ow that really hurts.

Dad: Like tannins?

Me: I hate you.

On urban planning -

Me: How come when we drive past this landfill it doesn't smell horribly bad?

Dad: They treat it with chemicals.

Me: Do you actually know that, or are you just making that up?

Dad: No, this one's true, they treat it with chemicals.

Me: What, do they just spray Lysol on it?

Dad: No, no, no. (pause) It's baking soda.

Me: Shut the fuck up.

Dad: They have guys who walk around with big boxes of Arm and Hammer -

Me: WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ADMIT YOU DON'T KNOW SOMETHING?

Dad: It's true!

Me: THEY DON'T USE GIANT BOXES OF ARM AND HAMMER!

Dad: THEY USE CHEMICALS!

Me: What, like tannins?

Dad: They put chemicals on the trash so it doesn't -

Me: EVERYTHING IS CHEMICALS WITH YOU!

Dad: They use them to -

Me: I can't stand this! When you don't know something you make up some weird shit about chemicals!

Dad: CHEMICALS ARE EVERYWHERE!

(we drive over a large bump in the road)

Me: Ow.

Dad: Would you like something for your back? Possibly a pharmaceutical chemical? "Cause we are liiiiiving in a pharmaceuuuutical world." Madonna should have sung that. It's catchy. That would have been a hit.

Me: I fucking hate you.

(BUMP)

Me: OW!

JLK