Your Pyrrhic Victories Quizo Update

It's tournament time, folks, and I'm sort of going back to my old ways. We all remember how I single-handedly caused Kansas to finally win the tournament last year through the judicious application of not doing a bracket and wearing the same t-shirt every time they played, but I figure that won't work twice. This year, then, I'm back with brackets and all that junk. I will bet money on Kansas, I will lose money on Kansas, and all shall once again be right with the world. Unlike last year, when for my money only maybe 3 teams had legitimate shots at winning, this year's tournament field looks a hell of a lot more wide-open. My earliest rough guess would say that any one of 9 or maybe 10 teams have a totally reasonable chance. Kansas unfortunately is not one of them, but as they say in French, c'est la vie.

All is not wine and roses in March Madness land, however.

A friend of mine got tickets to the first two rounds at Wachovia this weekend, and I'm trading him one of my US Open tickets for one of his tournament tickets. So that's, you know, pretty awesome, right? Going to the fucking tournament. March Madness in person! Rock and roll, right?

Wrong.

Because the NCAA are an organization so thoroughly venal and corrupt that they make Italian football look like the George Washington Appreciation Society, Villanova - who while talented are quite possibly the most overrated program in basketball - got a 3 seed and will play their first (and presumably second) tournament game at the Wachovia. So aside from the fact that the selection committee has ridiculously handed Villanova quite literally two HOME GAMES (Nova plays a couple games a year at Wachovia), I now find myself in a situation where I have paid money to watch Villanova play basketball against a team that is not LaSalle.

This is not a tenable position. I mean, it's not as bad as it might have been if, like, it ws St. Joe's playing a tournament game here. I'd probably have to legitimately kill myself in that case (or, more likely, someone else), but the fact that St. Joe's sucks has obviated that this year. Still, going to watch Villanova? On purpose? It's a good thing I normally shower three times a day already.

In other sports news, I caught a good chunk of the CA Championship yesterday where - and even I have a hard time believing this one - Phil Mickelson, Chokey McChokerson himself, couldn't even live up to the cruel nickname that I gave him because I hate him so, so much. Take, for instance, the 12th hole. Phil shanks his drive so far to the right that his ball stops under this hideous spiked little bush that looks like the mutant offspring of a palm tree and a pineapple. Phil, who I learned is right-handed and golf is the only thing he does left-handed, I guess because he's an even more gigantic douchebag than I originally thought, has to hit the ball with his club backwards because the bush-monster is where he would normally stand. Phil manages to whack that ball about 20 yards before it hits a tree and lands in the rough. He hits his third into a greenside bunker.

I saw that and said, "oh, baby, the choke is on."

Baron von Chokenstein remarkably only bogeyed that hole, and then rattled off a string of pars that would, eventually win the tournament. I watched this dumbfounded.

Motherfucker can't even CHOKE right. He choked on his choke. That is so freaking meta that if someone I didn't want to be crushed by a falling space station did it I would actually be impressed.

Also, finally, there will be an important Quizo-based announcement tonight, so be sure to stick around for that.

JLK

Your Bullet Points Quizo Update

Couple quick thoughts from around the horn this week:

- Kansas not only won on Saturday night, but trounced an outstanding North Carolina team to earn a spot in tonight's title game. Clearly, my shirt is luckier than I thought. I will be wearing it tonight.

- Have you ever been driving along, and you see that like every car on the road is turning left when you're going straight and you think to yourself, "what do they know that I don't?"

- Even though I haven't seen it since it came out in theatres, Blade 2 is still pretty good. I watched it last night because it was on in HD. As was prophesized, once you get HDTV you will watch anything in high definition. I spent an hour watching cooking shows. So I guess it's true.

- The season premiere of Battlestar Galactica was made of awesome. It contained the most frightening information on television: there is a God, and Gaius Baltar is his prophet. Scary stuff. If you did not watch it, that was dumb. MADE OF AWESOME!

- Pillsbury Toaster Strudels are NOT, in fact, superior to Pop Tarts. Not by a long shot.

- Is "strudels" the plural of "strudel," or can "strudel" function as a collective noun? I dunno, my German isn't what it used to be (i.e. anything).

That's all for now, see everyone tonight when we're back to regular non-tournament Quizo.

JLK

Your Lucky Shirt Quizo Update

It worked! My lucky Kansas shirt worked!

Oh, and, there's the Tournament finals tonight, or something like that. Whatever.

MY LUCKY SHIRT WORKED! FINAL FOUR BABY!

JLK

Your Frightening Implications Quizo Update

Aaaaaaaaand... we're back.

Did anyone actually go to the Dark Horse (or any other bar, for that matter) on St. Patrick's Day? I certainly hope not. I like to think we're all smarter than that.

It's tournament time, and after two rounds of play Kansas has not successfully choked yet. Ordinarily you would think this a good thing. It is not. All this means is that Kansas can choke that much closer to the actual championship, which makes it more painful. In my bracket - which Yahoo inconveniently lost my final four picks on, curse their black souls - I had Kansas playing UCLA in the final and, in what can only be described as a mercy killing of whatever common sense I have left, winning 87-81. After my strategy last year of betting AGAINST Kansas to win managed to not backfire until the regional finals, I have this year gone with the novel plan of not betting any money whatsoever. My rationale: if I can't win money betting on Kansas, and I can't win money betting against Kansas, perhaps the only way for Kansas to win the tournament again is for me to have no opportunity to win money whatsoever.

Of course, this year's chance for heartbreak will come this weekend when Kansas plays Villanova. It's a good thing the Big East sent 8 teams to the tournament. I mean, of those 8, including the aforementioned Wildcats who didn't even deserve to be there in the first place - I should think losing to LaSalle would mean an automatic NIT invite - a whopping 2 teams from the Big East made it out of the first two rounds. Yeah, they deserved 7 at-large bids. Jerks.

Speaking of basketball tournaments, for championship weekend last week I was in New York City to see Chelsea beat Sunderland at Nevada Smith's and to hang out with some of my New York people. A good time was had by all, to be sure, but at one point we were at one of the four bars we ended up hitting over the course of the day and I said to my friends, "you know, if you had said to me five years ago that on St. Patrick's Day weekend in five years I would be in New York watching college basketball at a Welsh bar talking about starting engineering school, I probably would have said you were crazy."

My friend Matt said, "you complain all the time about us being crazy. You always have."

I said, "shut up, Matt."

The last bar of the night that Saturday was supposed to be one of the faux Irish pubs across the street from Penn Station - if you never knew this, on 33rd Street across from what used to be the Hotel Pennsylvania there are 4 "Irish Pubs" right in a row - to watch the US team in the CONCACAF Under-23s (aka Olympic soccer qualifiers) but as we got to the pub I got a text from one of my friends up there saying she wasn't going to be able to meet us. We're standing outside smoking and I look inside to find that, after the somewhat absurd results of the conference tournament, the entire pub is filled with angry Big East alumni working very hard at getting drunk, and the streets outside are thick with angry Big East alumni working very hard at trying to sell tickets to a championship game that no one now wants to go to.

I'm taking in this scene and thinking that it might be time to pack it in on home when the bouncers standing by the door start talking about sniper rifles.

I'm not talking like, "hey, sniper rifles are really neat," or, "wouldn't it be cool if I had a sniper rifle?" Oh no. I'm standing there and the one guy says, "well, you know, the M21 has great stopping power, but the Dragunov has loads better range and is way more accurate," and the other guy says, "fuck no, man, when it comes to sniper rifles it's Remington all the way, baby. One shot one kill, oh yeah!"

I turned to Tim and said, "I think it's time for us to leave."

Walking away Tim said, "they're probably talking about Call of Duty 4."

I said, "we HOPE they're talking about Call of Duty 4."

Quick tournament note: once again this week I'll be handing out update sheets at the beginning of the game. In terms of scheduling, tonight will be Week 8 of the tournament, and the finals will be next Monday. Please note that if you want someone to play on your team in the finals who has not done so already they must play tonight, else no dice.

I know that next Monday is Opening Day for the Phillies and that we had some problems last year, but this has been taken care of. I spoke to James the Bossman after the Chelsea game yesterday (2-1 MOTHERFUCKERS OH YEAH!) and we're all set to have the Tournament of Champions finale in the restaurant. So don't say I never did anything for you.

JLK

Defying all expectations...

Kansas continues to not lose in the tournament, though they certainly tried hard last night.

Also, Pete Campbell is the new Rex Grossman. Because, you know, the world needed another. Still like Florida tonight, though, Sex Cannon II aside.

JLK

Your March Madness Quizo Update

It's that time of year again, the time of year when I inexplicably put money on Kansas winning the NCAA Tournament and Kansas remembers, "hey, we're Kansas, and we can't make it past the second round ever." This year I am bucking the trend by actually betting that Kansas will LOSE in the second round, thus insuring them a national championship. It's like I always say: it isn't spring until I've lost money on Kansas.

It's weird because I don't really bet on sports. Actually I pretty much don't ever bet on sports. Aside from the occasional "hey, five bucks says my team beats your team" with my friends which is much more about being right than it is about betting or winning money, the only sporting event I have ever put any sort of remotely serious money on - and by remotely serious I'm talking that one year I think I spent a grand total of $80 on four different entries - is the tournament. I'm not one of those guys who relentlessly scours the Vegas Line section of the newspaper looking for the sure thing or the sucker line or whatever (though I can certainly identify such things), I don't sweat games between two teams I don't care about hoping one team covers, and I don't obsessively track my win/loss/profit ratio. But I have done a bracket (or two, or three, or four) every year since at least 6th grade, and I've put money on it since... well, actually, since about 6th grade, now that I think about it.

I used to actually be pretty good at these tournament things - back in high school when I was a whole hell of a lot more into college basketball than I am now I actually won a couple - but my interest has been dwindling the last few years and I think we may be at a point this year where I don't even do a serious bracket. Feels kinda strange, honestly. It would be nice to see Kansas pull it out this year, but we all know that isn't going to happen. Why? They're Fucking Kansas.

By the way, Christopher, North Carolina = biggest joke 1 seed ever. BIGGEST FUCKING JOKE EVER. UNC is the new Kansas. Enjoy the 2nd round. Sons of bitches. God I hate North Carolina.

Does anyone know what the purpose of the little buttons on your shirt sleeves is? I don't mean the buttons on your cuffs - that's fairly obvious - I mean the little ones below the cuffs that, like, keep your forearms airtight. I was wrestling with one this morning and finally just started yelling (at my desk, I guess) "what the hell is this thing FOR anyway?" Frankly, given some of the questions I thought rhetorical and unanswerable I've put in these e-mail and gotten answers to, I expect someone to come through with this one.

And finally, the main lesson I learned this weekend is that pissing off Spartans is never a good idea. They are a prickly bunch. And that 300 is the most awesome movie ever, but if you think it "isn't violent enough" you have serious psychological problems.

JLK