Your Edge of Your Seat Quizo Update

My father and I have for a while now had an ongoing but civil disagreement - of course it's civil, because rule #1 is dignity, always dignity - as to the exact nature of the source of Tiger Woods' continuing excellence. He maintains that Tiger has made some sort of Faustian pact (c.f. Tom Brady, Dr. Faustus) in order to attain his golf prowess, while as we know I hold that Tiger Woods is in fact an android built by Satan, powered by the Dark One's unending hatred of the human race.

After this weekend's US Open, however, we have realized that were are both wrong and have come to the same conclusion:

Tiger Woods is, in fact, Satan himself.

No one but the First Among the Fallen could have engineered the kind of performance we saw at a BRUTAL Torrey Pines the last two days. Going into Saturday Tiger wasn't exactly out of contention, but he wasn't playing well - his gimpy knee was clearly giving him trouble - and then on the 6th on Saturday he took a tumble and further aggravated said gimpy knee.

Of course, this whole "injury" and "arthroscopic knee surgery" thing is obviously a clever bit of misdirection to distract us from the fact that Tiger is actually The Devil. What human being could, after further injuring a supposedly already-injured knee, go on to shoot FIVE UNDER FOR THE NEXT SIX HOLES ON the LONGEST COURSE IN GOLF HISTORY? After every tee shot Tiger grimaces in obvious pain, but it is not the pain of his "inflamed knee." No, it is the pain of maintaining the facade that he is human and not the Morningstar come to devour the souls of humanity.

This is a guy who, were he human (he is not), was walking around the course with an obvious limp, doubling over in (fake) pain after every shot and generally being - by his standards - wildly inaccurate off both tee and fairway, and STILL managed to force an 18-hole playoff for the championship today. Face it, folks. Tiger Woods is The Devil. It's the only explanation. Read your Bible. It clearly says in chapter 14 of 1st Kings, "and the Deceiver shall make an impossible 65-foot putt for eagle on 17."

Note that 1Kings 14 also tells us, "and on the third day, he of the sinister grip will make quadruple-bogey on 13 and prove that he is a gigantic fucking choke artist who sucks."

Tonight's game marks a number of semi-historic occasions as well. On the one front, Oprah's Book Club is going for their third win in a row, which is something I'm sure none of us want to see happen. On the other front, tonight will be Dr. Dan's (of Das Boot) last Quizo before he moves on to, I dunno, some kind of doctor thing in Arkansas. Dan's been a week-in-week-out regular since something like the third Dark Horse Quizo ever - back when his team was "Suck It Trebek," still one of my favorite team names of all time - and we are certainly disappointed at his departure. So we have Das Boot fighting to get a win at their team founder's final showing versus Oprah's Book Club looking to impose their hideous dynastic will on us all.

Hell, that's almost as exciting as watching Lucifer play golf.

Almost.

JLK

Your Keeping Priorities Straight Quizo Update

Once again this weekend Tiger Woods failed to win the Masters, and I'm not sure I can live in a world where, over the last 4 years, an average - AVERAGE! - Masters finish of second - SECOND! - is actually considered a failure. When was the last time YOU finished first-third-second-second four years running in the most prestigious golf tournament in the world? That's what I thought.

However, the important thing coming out of Augusta this weekend - well, the two important things - is that the two golfers I hate more than any others, Sergio Garcia and Phil Mickelson, missed the cut and choked it up respectively. It's okay if Tiger doesn't win as long as those two douchebags lose. Have you seen that commercial for Exxon Mobil - shilling for oil companies, nice work, Phil - that runs during the tournament. In it, Mickelson says - I am not making this up - "math and science are everywhere." Really, Phil? Math and science are everywhere? Thanks for the tip, you fucking dope. Next up on Phil Mickelson's Blindingly Obvious Life Tips: look both ways before crossing the street, and try not to eat rat poison.

God, I hate Phil Mickelson.

I have mentioned privately to some people that my new favorite show is Supernatural. Have you watched it? You probably haven't, since it's late of the WB and we aren't exactly their target demo. At the urging of a friend of mine I downloaded the first episode and let me tell you, folks: this show is MADE OF AWESOME. After watching the first episode I picked up the entire first season on DVD and I'm going through it now. I can't really recommend it enough. It's sort of the bastard child of the Dukes of Hazzard and the X-Files with a totally-apropos-of-nothing-yet-cool classic rock soundtrack. Plus I watched an episode last night that was totally inspired by Byberry, and I give mad props - MAD, I tell you - to any show that bases entire episodes on Philadelphia urban legends. It's no Battlestar Galactica (what is, after all?) but there are far worse ways to spend an hour watching television (c.f. the View).

Speaking of BSG (spoilers) - Baltar having his own HeadBaltar? GENIUS!

Oh, also, before I forget - KANSAS WINS! KANSAS WINS! NATIONAL CHAMPIONS MOTHERFUCKERS! KANSAS WINS!

See you tonight.

JLK

What's the word for slightly less than omnipotent?

A friend of mine was saying that she is actually PRAYING that Tiger Woods doesn't win the Masters this week. Like, beseeching God to prevent it.

I said to her, "that's pretty dumb."

"Why?" she shot back. She was getting quite agitated. "Oh, right, you don't BELIEVE in God. You don't BELIEVE in prayer."

"I - "

"Just because SOME of us choose to believe in something that - "

I managed to interrupt. "That's NOT what I mean," I said.

"Well what DO you mean?" she said, still pretty angry.

"I just mean that if God could stop Tiger Woods he probably would have by now."

"Oh," she said, then paused for a second. "You may have a point there."

JLK

Your Peril Masquerading as Landscape Quizo Update

I was quite distraught this weekend that Tiger Woods did not win the Masters, despite the best efforts of everyone PLAYING at the Masters to let him win. Time and again Tiger would slip up, and time and again the entire field would back up their scores to keep him in contention. Once he put his second shot in the water on 15 yesterday, though, it was too late for the field to rush and course-correct themselves to keep Tiger in the hunt, since everyone else was pretty much in the clubhouse by then.

I will admit, though, that those Sam Elliott IBM commercials do make it go down a little easier.

That, however, wasn't the most important sporting news to come out of this weekend.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qr4e0us7zxI

This is a conversation I had Saturday afternoon with a friend of mine who is a big Manchester United fan.

Me: Hey, you know what the first mp3 player was called?

Him: No?

Me: The RIO!

Him: Shut up.

Me: You know what my favorite city in South America is?

Him: Shut up.

Me: Actually it's La Paz.

Him: Oh.

Me: But I'm also a big fan of RIO!

Him: Shut up.

Me: Hey, let me put my favorite Peter Allen song on iTunes. Let me just find The Boy From Oz on here...

Him: What?

[I Go To Rio starts playing]

Me: (singing) RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOO... I GO TO RIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Him: Shut up.

Me: (over Peter Allen) Or, you know, I could put on my favorite Duran Duran album. Want to guess what that is?

Him: God I hate you.

Me: When I get a new car I think I'm going to get a Kia Rio.

Him: You're not going to buy a Korean car.

Me: Sure I will. You know why?

Him: Please die.

Me: Because HER NAAAAAME IS RIIIIOOOOOOOOO AND SHE DANCES ON THE SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!

In all honesty I don't really have a favorite Peter Allen song - I do have the Boy From Oz soundtrack on my iTunes, though - but Rio actually is far and away my favorite Duran Duran album.

Most importantly, Chelsea is three points back with 6 to play. GAME ON, BITCHES! GAME ON!

JLK

Your Quizo Update, A Day Late and a Dollar Short

I hope everyone has enjoyed the holiday weekend. I know I did.

For Christmas I received the gift of warmth.

I mean this quite literally.

Christmas morning with the fam (aka "my parents"), we're opening gifts and I get to one of mine in a largish box. I rip the paper off and open her up to find a lovely Izod golf jacket, perfect for those early spring days. Not that I would ever actually PLAY golf in it, as whatever golf gene allowed both of my parents to coach the sport did not get passed on to me. While I can rip a 58 at St. Andrew's on Tiger Woods 2006, my actual golf skill is quite limited, and by quite limited I mean largely nonexistent.

(That reminds me; I need to pick up Tiger Woods 2007.)

Later on in the gift opening extravaganza I come across another large box, and upon opening it find a nice winter coat in a beautiful deep crimson.

"Your leather jacket isn't warm enough when it gets REALLY cold," my mother says. Fair enough. Quite thoughtful.

Towards the end of the present line I have one more large box left. Off goes the paper and the box lid and I find...

Another winter coat. Navy blue this time.

Now there are two interesting things about this coat:

1) The coat is made by a company the owners of which are guys I have, on occasion, played poker with in Atlantic City.

2) It is, by all observations, a second winter coat and third coat overall on the same Christmas morning.

I express my confusion.

"That's in case the first one doesn't fit you," my father says. "Plus, it's from a company called Double Down. That's funny. Because, you know, you play poker. And your mother's right, that leather jacket isn't warm enough when it gets super cold out."

It occurs to me at this point that the guys who make this coat, while nice and reasonably good manufacturers of clothing, are terrible card players. It also occurs to me that my parents are so worried that I will catch the vapors walking the mean winter streets of Philadelphia that they felt it necessary to get me not one, not two, but THREE coats for Christmas this year.

I then realize, after examination of the discarded wrapping paper and noticing the truly wretched wrapping job done on the boxes that my father actually got all three, so Inadvertent Parental Gift Duplication Theory does not apply here.

Funny old world sometimes, ain't it?

There were other gifts as well, all wonderful, but none frankly as funny as three coats.

Then the Eagles absolutely beat the living shit out of the Cowboys, which is about as nice a close to a Christmas as one could ask.

And HERE'S something of interest to at least two or three people. Tonight and tonight only I am honored - HONORED, I say - to be filling in for Quizo Legend Johnny Goodtimes whilst he vacations. I'll be taking over trivia duties at O'Neals (2nd and South) at 8 and The Bard's (20th and Walnut) at 10. I've never done two Quizos in one night, so this should be interesting, inasmuch as me going crazy would probably be something worth watching for sheer entertainment value.

If I don't see you tonight (or somewhere else along the line) everyone have a good New Year's weekend. We're off again Monday, so I'll see everyone in two weeks at the Dark Horse. Drive safe, be good, avoid evil.

JLK