Your Happy Happy Joy Joy Quizo Update

Did everyone have a good weekend? I know I did. So many good things happened the last couple days I don't know where to start.

That being the case, I will start on Friday when I saw Hot Fuzz, which may be the single greatest movie ever made (passing even Top Secret! in my estimation). Essentially, no one can ever make an action movie ever again. Hot Fuzz broke them. If nothing else it shows you how INCREDIBLY RETARDED most of those movies are (although I do still have a soft spot for the first Lethal Weapon and Die Hard). So go see that.

Then came Saturday morning and Manchester United unexpectedly drawing with Middlesbrough, thus opening the door for Chelsea to swoop in and crush them in the race for the Premiership title. The only thing better than United dropping points was the fact that it gave me an opportunity to do one of the things I love and I'm best at: ruining someone else's day.

I spent the better part of early Saturday afternoon madly calling and texting all my friends who are Manchester United fans with messages ranging from a simple "oops" to "hey, you know what Cristiano Ronaldo and Barack Obama have in common? They're just... not... ready..." Some people took this in greater stride than others, though I will say that only ONE of them... let's call him... say... "Pat Hackett of Stamford, CT" chose to seek an ill-thought vengeance the next day. We'll get to that in a second.

Saturday night, then, I was at a birthday party at the Dark Horse (trip to the DH 2 of 3 in a 16 hour span). That went extraordinarily well despite the birthday boy's insistence that the Johnny Black I bought him was actually lighter fluid. Around the midpoint of the party a group of five guys who, from twenty feet away, appeared to be obvious jerkoffs, walked into the party and proceeded to talk to no one. Clearly they were not invited. I was asked to politely remove them from the party.

Two opportunities in one day to do my favorite thing! What a weekend!

So I walk over to these guys fully knowing that they don't belong and pretend to strike up a conversation with them.

"So how do you guys know Mike?" I ask.

"Who's Mike?" the lead jerk says.

"This is Mike's birthday party," I say.

"Oh, we don't know him," another jerk says.

"Sorry, guys, this is a private party."

"What the fuck," the lead jerk shouts. "We just got kicked out of another private party."

This is when I get another great moment of instant inspiration.

"Well, fellas, that's what 'private party' means, doesn't it?" I say.

And I just point at the door.

I love parties.

Then, of course, Chelsea proceeded to not beat Newcastle yesterday (trip 3 of 3 to the DH in 16 hours) and not swoop in and crush United's title hopes. This left me feeling relatively bad until Hackett called yesterday and tried to take his aforementioned ill-thought revenge for the day previous.

When he calls the little window on my phone flashes a very distinctive Manchester United crest, so I can see from about 10 feet away that it's him calling me and be appropriately pissy the second I answer.

Me: What the fuck do you want?

Him: Hey, don't be like that. I was just telling you I'm in town and wanted to know if you wanted to get a drink.

Me: Oh. Well, you should have told me you were coming. Yeah, let's go out.

Him: Okay, great. I'll have a Newcastle.

Me: [pause]

Him: [laughing]

Me: Uncool, man.

Him: No, it's very cool.

Me: Okay. Fine. You have a Newcastle. I'll have a Portsmouth.

Him: Touche.

Me: And a Middlesbrough.

Him: Okay, that's enough of that.

Me: And a Celtic. And a Copenhagen.

Him: Please stop.

Me: And two Arsenals. And an about-to-be-fucking-relegated West Ham. And a not-even-in-the-Premiership-Southend.

Him: God I hate you.

Me: You really didn't plan this very well.

Is it so wrong to love what I do? And can one really love a thing TOO much? I sure don't think so.

Important note before I go: the Second Anniversary Dark Horse Quizo will be two weeks from tonight. Two years! Who could believe it? I spoke with James yesterday and we WILL have some decidedly special stuff on offer that night. I will reveal them as we get closer. One is pretty damn good, the other is god damn outstanding. Also note that since that night is also the DH golf outing we won't be in the main bar. We may be in the Rigger Bar like we were last year, but since the availability of smoking isn't an issue anymore we may move into the restaurant, which is a hell of a lot more comfortable for a large group. So Monday, May 7, is one day you definitely want to show up for the game - Delicious Bass, I'm looking at you.

Finally, please note that not only is today the 50th birthday of Palestra Jon (of the rule which bears his name) but that he and Oprah's Book Club will be going for their third win in a row tonight. So join us at Quizo Central in wishing him a happy birthday, and please show up tonight and stop them, since if they do get three in a row they will become absolutely unbearable.

JLK