Your Mister Subliminal Quizo Update

The thing I really hate about lapsing into smoking again - aside from, you know, the actual buying and smoking of cigarettes - is falling back into what I would call "smoker's thinking." This refers to things like waiting for your ride to show up and, realizing that your ride's car is a non-smoking flight, thinking "well, I'd better get a cigarette in before he gets here." I had almost that exact thought Friday night and I was immediately rather disgusted with myself and, after swearing vengeance against the world for turning in such a way that my choices to relieve the crushing stresses I labor under became a) start smoking again or b) start recreationally murdering prostitutes, I determined that once my show was over I would have to go back on the smoking wagon. This is, as I have said previous, not especially easy, but after going seriously smoke-free for a while I recognize that it's the way to go. It's unfortunate, really, since to once again quote the great Neal Stephenson, for something disgusting and lethal smoking is remarkably enjoyable. PAYING for cigarettes, now, that's a different story.

(Dealer's Choice, at the Dark Horse, opening September 18, $10, www.phillybinge.com)

Speaking of disgusting and lethal, I had the grave misfortune of watching the new Highlander movie this weekend. I am a big fan of Highlander, at least the first movie and the TV show. The hideous, misbegotten thing I watched Saturday night was the Darth Vader of Highlander - more machine now than man, twisted and evil. I had been told it was on TV only minutes before it aired, and I quickly called a friend of mine who I knew was also a fan, and we spent the entire film texting each other back and forth about how awful it was, and then immediately after it ended I had to give him a sincere apology for telling him it was on. I think he summed it up best when he wrote: "when I watch Highlander I want good sword fights, a little melodrama, and Scottish accents, and this garbage doesn't have ANY of those things." All things aside - and I mean ALL things - if you make a Highlander movie and you don't at least have one really cool-looking sword fight you have failed at life. But not only were they not good, they were actively BAD. Like, you watch it, and you realize that the director - a term used here, surely, in its loosest and basest sense - was trying to do something "new" and "interesting" and "cool" but along the way forgot that he's a fucking anencephalic colobus monkey who couldn't choreograph or shoot a good sword fight if he was possessed by the restless spirit of Douglas Fairbanks.

Put it this way: this movie makes the Star Wars prequels look like the crowning achievement of world cinema.

Put it another way: it's worse than Highlander 2.

There is no more damning assessment of any movie than that, but to make a HIGHLANDER movie worse than Highlander 2 is pretty astounding.

(Dealer's Choice, at the Dark Horse, opening September 18, $10, www.phillybinge.com)

It's sad, really, because I was hoping a new Highlander movie would lift me up out of the despair of Chelsea being robbed of a win on Saturday morning by an official who does not understand the fairly important part of the offside rule that one can not be offside if one is BEHIND THE BALL. I dread the possibility that Blackburn's play on Saturday - 8 men on the defense at all times, hardly a shot on goal to speak of, three defensive substitutions, and a general unwillingness to even consider trying to win - is what we're going to face all season. It's bad enough when your winning goal in the face of such cowardice is wrongly disallowed, but if I have to watch that kind of garbage football all season it's going to be a long year.

(Dealer's Choice, at the Dark Horse, opening September 18, $10, www.phillybinge.com)

Remember that we have special Monday Night Football Quizo tonight, meaning that we will be starting at 7:30. That is SEVEN-THIRTY-IN-THE-PM, folks, since I want to be done and dusted in time to get home for kickoff. You thought the 24 premiere night quizo was fast? Tonight I will be the goddamned Flash compared to that.

(Dealer's Choice, at the Dark Horse, opening September 18, $10, www.phillybinge.com)

You also may have heard that I am producing a show which is playing at our very own Dark Horse Pub. It's called "Dealer's Choice," and it's by Patrick Marber. It is out-fuck-standing. It opens tomorrow night and tickets are but ten dollars. It has poker, English accents, and beer. What else could you want from a play? All the information you need is at our website, www.phillybinge.com. Come see it. You will be glad you did. More accurately, I will make you very unhappy if you do not.

(Dealer's Choice, at the Dark Horse, opening September 18, $10, www.phillybinge.com)

7:30 tonight, then, see you there.

(Dealer's Choice, at the Dark Horse, opening September 18, $10, http://www.phillybinge.com)

JLK