Your "Nothing Good Ever Came Out Of Delaware" Quizo Update

So, yesterday sucked on a number of levels.

Before we get to the meat of this weekend’s suckage, let me just state that Sergio Garcia winning the Players is an affront to decent people everywhere, and I hope everyone is as shocked and appalled as I am. You thought it was bad when the biggest douchebag you knew in college was dating the hottest girl in your class and all they ever talked about was how when they weren’t playing GoldenEye together they were having constant, ridiculous, space-time-continuum-warping sex every waking moment? This is much worse, because Sergio Garcia is five thousand TIMES the douchebag that guy was, and furthermore and that guy didn’t get 1.8 million dollars for fucking that whore whose name may or may not rhyme with “Katie,” and now that I really think about it you both can go to hell and take your goddamn Facebook invites with you. No website will say we are friends because WE ARE NOT! Also, yes those pants DID make you look fat, and yes I DID start that rumor about you and the men’s swimming team so HA HA BITCH!

God I hate Sergio Garcia.

Strangely enough I do NOT hate Manchester United, who won the English Premier League yesterday morning. I was at the bar for the happening and was pretty sanguine about the whole thing. Chelsea’s shot was slim at best, though a couple of dodgy refereeing decisions – Manchester United? Questionable officiating? Inconceivable! – basically helped put to the sword our title ambitions this year. However, fun was had by all parties and the two teams will still meet in the Champions League final. And most importantly, as I noted at one point toward the end of the games, we’re both better than Arsenal.

After the game but before the weather turned into the sordid late-winter mess that it is now some of us were standing around outside when Brian of Alias Pseudonym Undercover informed me that he would be taking a Quizo hiatus for the summer as he temporarily moves to Delaware City to work at a law firm.

My immediate, instinctive reaction to this news was, “nothing good ever came out of Delaware.” This is a topic about which I feel very strongly and could go on about at some length, but lest these missives all get completely given over to my demented ravings about various ex-girlfriends, let’s move the narrative forward.

Brian tried to contest this point, but the best things he could come up with were “George Thorogood,” “S-corporations,” and “nylon.”

Let’s look at the difference just between neighbors here, shall we?

Best things ever to come out of Pennsylvania: The Declaration of Independence, Joe Montana, The Constitution, Gene Kelly, The United States, freedom.

Best things ever to come out of New Jersey: Bruce Springsteen, Frank Sinatra, Frog Bog.

Best things ever to come out of Delaware: an ugly dude with a mediocre band, corporations that have more rights than human beings – it’s true, look it up – and the gunk that made silk stockings obsolete (if you weren’t aware, nylon in its original form is actually gunk).

Thanks for nothing, Delaware.

JLK