Your "We Named The Dog Indiana" Quizo Update

This week marks the release of the new Indiana Jones movie, and in something of a departure from the norm around here this brings with it – and thus I bring to you – nothing but happy thoughts, though in a somewhat haphazard and disorganized way. I'm allowed to be disorganized. It is a known symptom of Indy Fever.

- Raiders of the Lost Ark was not the first movie I ever saw in a theatre* but it very well might have been the second. I remember seeing it down the shore with my father at a movie theatre that isn't there anymore and... GAH! I can't remember the name of it. If anyone reading this is from Toms River, NJ or its environs it was the one on Route 37 in the old Grand Union shopping center. It was a little two-screener set way back off an alley separating two parts of the shopping center. If you can tell me the name of the theatre I will totally give you an extra point tonight. Seriously, this will drive me nuts all fucking day.

Looking back, bringing me to Raiders was a remarkably atrocious bit of parenting on my Dad's part as it is CLEARLY not appropriate for a child of almost-four, though in the absence of a PG-13 rating or an internet to ruin everything for everyone he of course couldn't have known that. My memories of seeing the movie in general are a little vague save for two specific moments that stick out in my mind, both of which are being scared stupid by the spiders at the beginning and the German dude's face melting at the end. Oh, yes, I have very specific memories of watching the face-melting.

My sister was not there to see Raiders with us (it was just before her 2nd birthday) but a few years later she WAS at that same theatre when Dad took us to see Ghostbusters, where again my only actual specific memory of seeing the film was being scared out of my young mind by the library ghost and further proving that my father really had no conception of what was appropriate entertainment for small children.

- I didn't see Temple of Doom in a theatre. In fact, I've only ever seen it I think once, on tape at my cousins' house when I was about 10. I hated it, and even though I've owned it two separate times since then (three times when my new Indy DVDs come in this week) I've never watched it since, nor do I plan to. There are people who think that Temple of Doom is the best film of the three. No. Thinking that is wrong and stupid. Do not think that.

- I DID see Last Crusade in the theatre, again with my father, but this time at the now-destroyed Orleans 8, truly one of the worst movie theatres in the history of human civilization. At that point my father HAD a PG-13 rating to warn him that his 12-year-old son was probably a shade too young to bring along. He ignored it anyway. Later that summer he would take me to see Licence to Kill, both starting a lifelong obsession with James Bond that has cost me countless hours and dollars, and proving that ensuring normative psychological development for his only son was not exactly on Dad's "To-Do List."

- I learned this weekend watching an Indy marathon on Sci-Fi that we can add Last Crusade to the list of movies to which I know EVERY SINGLE LINE OF DIALOGUE.** For a little while there it was a bit of a mystery to me how I could remember the entire script when I hadn't seen the movie in probably four years (when my Indy DVDs mysteriously disappeared) until I remembered that when I was a kid McDonald's had a thing where they sold all three movies on VHS for something like 4 bucks a pop. My Dad got me the whole set and I watched Last Crusade every single day for something like eight months. I would say that's something you do when you're 12 years old, but honestly? If I had the time I'd still watch Last Crusade every goddamn day, though I'd probably throw in Raiders in heavy rotation as well.

- How many of you had the same tapes when you were a kid, bought by your parents at McDonald's? Raise your hand, you know you're out there.

- One of my favorite Indy moments came my junior year at LaSalle. Back then I was good friends with another film student named Tony. Tony and I were a lot alike - total movie nerds with very similar taste. We co-wrote a column about movies in the student newspaper. Plus, we both drank a lot, often together. I hung out a fair bit at the fraternity house Tony lived in, mainly because he had a bigger TV than I did and we could watch movies there.

Now understand that Tony was, for all intents and purposes, a giant. He was 6'3", pushing 6'4", about 280-something. This guy is a beast. He's HUGE. As such, when his fraternity would throw parties he'd get stuck working the door trying to keep the riffraff under control. When I was down there I'd stand outside with him a lot of the time because aside from us being friends it was funny to listen to this behemoth complain about having to deal with drunk freshman girls who were - literally - maybe a third his size.

On this particular night the party got out of control earlier than normal - we're talking, like, 9:30. People started pouring in and out and Tony started shouting "everybody get the hell away from the door!" One super-drunk guy standing in the driveway - god this was awesome - just randomly screams at the top of his lungs and runs straight at Tony with his shoulders down, like he's going to deliver a touchdown-saving tackle in the deep backfield.

Tony just stands there and - I SWEAR TO GOD - the screaming guy runs into him and BOUNCES OFF. Like bullets bouncing off Superman's chest. I swear to God. One second the guy is running and screaming like a banshee, and a second later he's lying on the ground about two feet in front of us.

"Jesus fucking Christ," Tony says. "You see the shit I gotta deal with?"

Tony takes one look at the guy on the ground, screws up his face in disgust, and kicks him in the stomach.

He turns to me and says, "fuck this. You wanna go watch Raiders?"

"Yes," I say. "Yes I do."

So we headed back to the lounge in my dorm and proceeded to watch Raiders AND Last Crusade, but not before arguing whose VHS tapes were in better shape.

After all, our fathers had bought them for us at the same time.

- What's my favorite Indy moment? Come on. After reading all this you still have to ask?

JLK





*The Empire Strikes Back
** Ghostbusters and The Big Lebowski